Broken Dreams Flushed down the Toilet

So I just went to the bathroom in my favorite stall (yes, I have a favorite, but more on that later) and the beautiful white porcelain veneer was chipped. Whose fat fucking ass can chip a toilet seat?? I was as shocked as when I found out that Justin Bieber is actually a boy! I feel violated like I have been sharing such an intimate part of my day with a fatty who does not know how to properly rest on a toilet seat. Okay, so this is my theory on public restrooms. I believe that most people go into the first stall because it's closest to the door and women usually hold their pee until they really have to go, so in turn there is more germs on that fucking over used toilet seat! So I always make it a point to go into the second stall! I believe that this is a genius plan, the only flaw is that I have now shared it on the internet and others may agree and ruin all the second toilets in the world!

Julia

Hurry 2012

Okay so the Holidaze are almost over! Please disregard the bullshit that I wrote in the previous post about how I was going to try and enjoy the holidays! I meant it when I wrote it but then Christmas happened. It was an okay day. I  mean who doesn't love spending time with family, feeling slightly let down and overwhelmed :) I miss my father terribly, but it reminds me of a loving saying he used to tell me: Here is a tissue for your issue! So this blog is my tissue filled with green snot. Where else can I expel my slightly sarcastic and mildly sacreligious beliefs. Besides I think there are only two people who read this and it's probably me and Paul!

Julia

Grateful for dirty diapers

As I sit here typing and watching my 2 year old poop under our table (in a diaper of course), I can't help but think of how grateful I really am. My one foot hot pink Christmas tree reminds me that holidays are what we make them, new traditions can be made at anytime. I am making a choice to see the holiday through his eyes and not the lenses of my past! I have nothing witty to say today but check back tomorrow after a day of family! Peace and Joy Assholes!


Julia

Long Heels Red Bottoms

So apparently it's not really appropriate to sleep underneath your desk with your jacket as a pillow as you watch a movie on your ipod. Damn you Netflix app, you get me everytime! I reached the point of exhaustion around 330 and in my sleep deprived daze I forgot to lock my office door! Well the joke was on the woman who entered my office. She looked as confused as a child who sees porn for the first time. Surprise! Out I pop from under my desk, Julia she exclaims in shocked wonder, What are you doing? Tying my shoes I reply (I am wearing black high heels)!

Julia

The Christmas Spirit

Why does society deem holidays mandatory family day. Where in the bible of Mohammed is that written? I am part of the no one likes their family except for a few days out of the year tribe and I believe that everyone else should join. The next time I'm invited to celebrate the birth of Jesus, my reply will be I'm sorry I am planning on downloading the new Mariah, Justin Bieber Christmas album. If Mary was alive today where would she register for a virgin birth?

Julia
Ho Ho Ho

I woke up this morning...

I woke up this morning and felt like I tasted and smelled Julia's vagina on my breath.  I am a little perturbed by this as she has informed me that she has the ability to suck the life energy out of people.  This happened once before where she tried pulling this hy-anus crime.  You don't suck the life out of people without their permission Julia.  I literally was in shock the first time it happened.  I am sitting on my bed and bam her vagina is on my mouth like a brand new Dyson vaccuum cleaner I feel the black soul inside of me being sucked out...it sorta was as intense as the time I got the chrome off of a doorknob.  It was crazy.  Then when I realized I was dying from Vagina Suffocation of the Soul...there's a book on it at Barnes and Noble by the way...I hit Julia with the frying pan I keep next to my bed.  And like a balloon that hasn't been tied her vagina expelled all my black soul back into me however now my soul is pink.  So Julia if you snuck in last night while I was sleeping please wash your vagina in honey as I like honey and I need you to queef back my life energy as you are in Boca today and I am not.

Please and thank you,

:Paul

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness sometimes at the expense of others, only when they deserve it

Do you ever go to bed happy and wake up wanting to beat the shit out of anyone that breathes wrong? Well I do, but then I remember that I have people in my life like Paul, who I can suck the life out of, to make myself feel better! There is nothing like a person that makes you laugh, no matter what kind of mood your in. As I sit at my desk at my dead-end, mediocre office job, I am contemplating deep topics. Like, why is pee yellow and how come the only other person in the office right now is the most terrifying woman on earth who wears perfume that smells as good as a dog in heat. And by terrifying, I am referring to her choice of MuMus and X-Large pants that she wears on a daily basis. No matter how many times I hear Jay Sean's version of Hammertime, I refuse to believe that Harem Pants are back in style.

Julia

Thank God For Friends Like These

I was going to title this "Thank God For Friends On Their Knees."  It didn't seem so spiritual.  Spiritual would be "Thank God For Friends Who Like To Break My Back Because They Have Me Twisted Like A Kielbasa Being Choked With A Leather Whip Being Dripped In A Hot Body Topping And By Topping I Mean Jism."  Now that is as spiritual as any Priest or Nun could or could not imagine.  Regardless, I am not hiding my love child with the Priest in the convent walls.  I merely sell it on the Black Market.

Feeling a little bit sappy and by sappy I mean I have to get this back up of man juice out and into the universe.  I kid I kid.  Not really my hands have full knowledge they will be playing "Touch My Body" and not with Mariah Carey.  To my friends who have listened to me be insane for the past couple of days because I chose to put myself in an unhealthy situation at the time I want to thank you.  I'd send you gifts for the holidays however the Easter Bunny threatened to kill me if I did.  He said you cannot show your friends you love them by giving the eggs.  You let them rot and throw them at your friends worst enemies.  So I have a dozen brewing for when I get back in Florida.

Seriously,  thank you for listening.  Not telling me I am an idiot.  Letting me know I am worthy of giving and receiving love.  To allow me to learn this lesson.  I have a bit of fear left in me regarding the status of the friendship however it will be what it is supposed to be.  And if it winds up being painful I know you will be there to listen again. 

So have a blowjob or fingerbang on me.  You have earned it.

Goddamnit

Sometimes it's not always fun and games...

Goddamnit

I would walk away, throw away the key,
Happy not understanding love and its mystery.
I would turn my back, bind my heart with thorns,
Happy not understanding the wrath of love that scorns.
I would seal my fate, learn to love with hate,
Happy not understanding the devastation that love can create.
I would cut out the heart, the one that was protected with a wall,
Happy not understanding the feeling of it all.
I would hold my breath, lay under a bed of water,
Happy not understanding that along this path I may falter.
I will hold in the tears, acknowledge all these fears,
Not happy in understanding all that appears.

Paul Liner

Alice Not in Wonderland

*All names have been changed to protect the mildly retarded

So I have a friend named Alice, who has a mild drinking problem. These are the signs to look for in case you are unsure:

1. You wake up naked
2. You wake up naked with pizza in your bed
3. You wake up naked with pizza in your bed and eat it (but you leave one of the two slices because your on a diet).

Julia
In severe cases you may experience a naked man as well in your bed, please do not feed the extra slice to him, he may never leave!

Holmes For The Holidays

Aside from this dog at Starbucks barking because it's Plantation Parent finds it acceptable to go shopping and leave it chained outside things are good. I mean good. The dog may be barking at me in jealousy. Ass face people. Take your dog in the store duh she wants an over priced dress too. Paul the Fashionista Dog Whisperer. OOOPS the owner is a black man. Insert foot in ass for that. Regardless he is an ass face.

Thank you.

Cheese and Rice

Ok all I can say is I am a glutton for punishment.  The punishment however is one of the best self inflicted man-gasms I have yet to experience in my life.  If you are wondering what I am talking about it is shopping.  Yes.  It feeds my black soul. 

P.S.  If you only knew what fed the white part of my soul tonight you would be Famously Jealous of Me being Boca Famous.  I have a one track mind tonight and it is focused on "it".  Thank you "it". 

My Tyriad for the Day

Dear Ugly Fuck who works on the Fourth Floor that has an opinion everyday on my choice of attire:

You are one or more of the following:

1. A Yenta, which if that is the case, Shut the Fuck Up
2. Gay, which if that is the case, Shut the Fuck Up and come shopping with me!

Glitter and Rainbows

Julia
P.S. your daily choice of jeans and flannel is not acceptable if you are in fact #2

Nail Polish Amongst Other Things

Thank you Sally Hanson for your 100 Invisible polish. You alone
have made my nails shiney like a new stainless steel vibrator.

Paulie Doodle

Boss Lady, Lazy Motherfuckers, and Taquitos

 Topic of the night.  A boss who says there is not Christmas bonus this year and buys herself a new Mercedes SUV a week later.  Is there something wrong with this picture?  Um yes.  This could totally come back to bite me in "ass pussy" per my roommate however Ms. XYZ you may want to check yourself.  Tyriad starting now...I have learned to take care of self and extend that care to others.  Learn from it.  Or go back to your little bubble and by bubble I mean sand and water spot you came from.  Your actions are in my eyes which is in total bitch face mode right now are unacceptable.  Did I think about bringing it up in the staff meeting or possibly keying your new shiny car...maybe.  Have I been this self serving in my past yes however per The FBI this doesn't give you the right to be they way you are.  You are under investigation for being a Dragon Lady and by Dragon Lady I mean cunt.  Therefore, I just lost lady brownie points. Oh well if you don't like the word cunt learn to love it as you probably are one.  Ooops....

And co-workers get off your high horse "ass pussies."  That is all.  Please and thank you.

And last I have taquitos waiting so work for the night suck my balls...eat my "ass pussy" and do it with a smile on your face.

Peace and Love...

Paul

Blue Waffles vs Pink Taco

Ok this is a disclaimer....if you want to see the nastiest picture on earth google blue waffle and see what happens. As me and a co-worker were reading Pauls previous post (please see Lady Tuna), she informed me that she did not know what a Blue Waffle is. Out of sheer boredom and utter desperation to seek truth at all costs, we googled. I must say that I have never been more grateful for my Pink Taco that God has blessed me with. With a show of hands how many of you out there know what a blue waffle is?

Julia

Lady Tuna

True coversation with Starbucks Employee...

Me: It smells like fish in here.

Nancy:  What?

Me:  It smells like fish.

Hila:  Well sometimes one of the machines smells.

Nancy:  Or it could be the old lady that was just standing at the counter.

I hope to God Nancy is wrong. I do not understand vagina as it is. And to think of an old lady vagina that smells like the catch of today makes it even less appealing.  Unless it's a Blue Waffle with whipped cream and strawberries. Then I am all over that spread.

Contemplating Exercise

So this was my morning:

I was so excited to put on my new shirt that I bought the night before and when I took the tag off I had that awkward moment when I realized the tag said Maternity.
Awkward moment number 2, the shirt fits
Enough said!

Julia

Last Things First

Our Nightly Text Conversation:

Me:  I am planning on it being Chelsea Handler inspired with Lampanelli vulgarity.

Me:  Pure magic it was amazing.

Julia:  I concur I love them both if they had lesbian sex and adopted a baby it would be us.

Me:  We have to develop a "cult"ure club following.

Me:  We are one.

Me:  Baby that is.

Me:  Like those siamese twins they say exist.

Julia:  Exactly ur more Lisa.  I take after Chelsea now we need a Chuy.

Me:  Jovito

Julia:  They do exist I believe like leprechauns.

Me:  Or like homeless people I still need proof.

Me:  Unicorns are alive and tangible.  I have never poked a homeless person.  Just a priest in D.C.

Julia:  I don't think they exist and neither does the word blurple.

Me:  It does we have already discussed this matter.  We signed an agreement in leprechaun blood I am right you were not in the right state of mind.

~Paulie Doodle~

Rainbows Butterflies and Glitter

I find the following annoying:
1. People who treat dogs like people
2. Waking up to realize your significant other has farted and your whole room smells
3. That awkward moment when your taking a shit at work and the person in the stall next you starts talking about your shoes.
4. Paul posting my blogs on Facebook
5. That my boyfriend watches the stupidest shit on TV and thinks that I enjoy cartoons at all hours of the day and night. Um no sorry, I stopped watching cartoons when acid went out of style.
6. That my vagina is not encrusted with diamonds even though I pray for it everynight!

Julia

Letting it Flow Like a Period

So as I sit here pondering what to write I can't help but think of Paul's parental guidance of letting it flow like a period. I would first like to take this opportunity to clear up a few things. One this blog was my idea not my sexy boyfriend and I would like to receive all credit because I am a genius and he has a penis. Two, Paul in a previous post you stated that you were returning to the Not so Real Housewives of Atlanta. This is a false statement and we cannot start lying to people right off the bat. Everything having to do with anything regarding the Housewives is real and if it is not than the world as I know it will collapse. And the last little "discrepancy" I would like to clear up is a statement regarding a child being locked in a closet. I have never and will never endorse endangering a child unless it doesn't listen when I tell it to shut it's stupid ass face.

Have You Seen My Brush?

Reminder of a time not too long ago.  Well maybe a while ago.  That's the million dollar question from my bestie in WV.  The fanglamourous Queen of The Mean Green Mountain April "I Will Fuck Your Shit Up" C.  The answer to this mysterious and numbfounding question...Have you looked in my vagina?  Yes that is where all things in life can be found.  In a close friend's or stranger's vagina.  Grab your flashlights we are going on a scavenger hunt in the c...um yeah I will keep a little bit of lady in this post.  So tell me what is the strangest thing you have found on your body?  In particular if you have a vagina or bird's nest hair what did you find?  I had a block of sharp cheddar cheese melted to my body at one point.  Woke up with the "Damnit that was a waste of perfectly good cheese."  If I could of ate it as a T-shirt and cheddar cheese sandwich my mouth would have been on that thing faster than a hooker on viagra. 

Yeah It's Going To Be A Fucking Obsession

I am working on Julia getting her cherry busted tonight.  I told her go with the flow like when she is on her period.  So hopefully Margarite her aka or Sharon, Monica, Michelle, Lady Okra or one of the other personalities that dwell within her diamond encrusted temple decide to make an appearance.  I will pray that you all get to experience her.  And soon.  The world and all its pretty little things may depend on it.  Just sayin.  Grow some v-esticles my famous friend and get those fingers banging the keyboard so hard the keys C,L,I, and T fall off.  Back to The Not So Real Housewives of Atlanta.  NeNe I love you girl.

Paul Is Busting This Diamond Encrusted Cherry

This is the penis entering the vagina for the first time entry.  Yes I said it.  And being gay this is the penis entering my mouth for the first time entry.  The good thing is there is no blood to clean up.  Julia...one of my closest if not closest friends in the state of Florida and I were told we should document our lives in a blog.  Per her sexy ass boyfriend.  So we are going to do it.  I am anything but politically correct.  I will tell your child to shut his ass face and Julia will lock him in the closet.  True story I can't confirm or deny this as it may or may not have happened...twice...I mean no comment.  So, we live life.  We live life in comedy after we pull out the tampons that sometimes get caught in our vagina and mangina's.  Debauchery, humor, fun times, maybe some not so fun times are going to be at the internet's disposal.  Buckle your seat belt we are going to ride this wave until our clits fall off.  Please and thank you.