What Am I Doing To Myself?

So I have this idea that I am trying out.  I have Vertigo and drink a ridiculous amount of coffee.  Starbucks.  Not that weak nasty shit at Dunkin Donuts.  DD coffee is for pussies (and I don't use that word because I don't like it unless it fits and I am angry so obviously it fits and I am anger at DD for offering such foul beverage).  Shit even McDonald's coffee is better.  So being that I generally feel like I am "Like a record baby...round..round..round..round."  I am going to try having only one cup of Keurig coffee at home in the morning and the rest of the day water and/or tea.  Today is day two.  And I feel a void already.  No Starbucks in my life for over 24 hours.  I feel like the spirit of the Starbucks God that dwelt within my spirit is leaving.  It's going to be a chance for the DD Demon to creep in and make a scene out of The Exorcism of Emily Rose.  Except it really will just involve me vomitting coffee on people who drink Starbucks.  Anyway my experiment is if I cut out most of the caffeine I would like to see if that is contributing to my "this is not like being drunk and the whole world is spinning with me because we just naked table danced in China from all the Sake we drank with chopsticks but Sake is outta Japan so what is it that we really just drank being that we are in China" type dizzy fun.  This is not enjoyable.  I actually cried the other day driving home because it is miserable like Julia dealing with a phantom toilet seat at night.  There is a solution to everything and I am looking for it.  And actually my suggestion to Julia is either cut his dick off so there is not need for him to raise the toilet seat or have him learn to be like a lady (like I do) or if you wanna be really ballsy you learn to be standing up or just pee on his face while he is sleeping.  Anyway I am totally side tracked.  So no Starbucks today.  Hopefully for a good reason in the end.

Paul Liner

The World According to Paul, per Julia

Me and Paul are like the Will and Grace of 2012, except I am not a gingy and I have slightly larger breasts. Paul has mastered the art of imitation (I no China, I Vietnam as he likes to say). But do to a resentment I harbor against a half asian/half white slut, I do not want to perfect that accent but rather laugh while others slaughter it (> <). I would prefer to be a Southern Belle, minus the drinking problem. A glorious version of myself, I bat my eyes and men come from all over the South to help. No that sounds retard. I prefer to be myself, a loud, annoying Yenta whose jokes reek of sexual overtones and unpolitically correct humor. See this journey of self acceptance is arduous (look it up for you simple minded folk). I believe that there is nothing better than a 5'3 (okay I'm 5'1 and 1/3) slighly overweight, lady who has self love! Some days she is lost but most days you can find her in Boca or in trying to rule the world in Plantation with her best friend Paul (but only if speaks in an accent)!

Peace Love and Breast Implants Ya'll
Julia

Accents, Gunshots, and Thumb Nails

I want an accent.  Something magical and glamourous.  How do I go about finding the appropriate one though?  I have tried a broken Asian accent which by the way I am quite good at.  Hay-ro dis ees Paw I fry in frun China to bee-zit my fam-ah-ree in duh Ways Bo-gin-ya.  I have even learned how to right in this mystical accent.  I love being Asian.  Well Yellow Card official per my ex.  I used to be able to do a Spanish accent in high school.  Chew know?  My Irish isn't too bad.  My creepy fat man/woman voice is good.  Yet I need something more.  I need a new accent.  Something no one has heard before.  I want to be the first Accent Trend Setter.  I want the world to want my voicebox.  I wanna wake up in a tub of ice wondering who highjacked my vocal cords and ponder the meaning of life.  Grrr southern twang that I am stuck with when in West Virginia.  And city accent when I am back in Baltimore.  I want more!!

On the topic of gunshots I just thought it added a little pazazz to the title.  On the topic of thumb nails I removed my American French the other day and walked around with one painted thumb nail and it made me laugh.  I was too lazy to remove it at the time.  I was trailer trash status for a day.  You know you are trailer trash when you have only one painted nail and do nothing about it.  This statement is non-negotiable because it is truth and listed somewhere in the Constitution.

I am in a good mood today.  The world is spinning and so far I am not so that's a perk.  I get to have a needle jabbed in my arm today and that makes me so grateful.  And by grateful I mean I don't like needles unless they have ink attached on the end.  Yay blood. 

So in conclusion if you find a small child say 2 years of age teach them how to Dougie and say Gum-ment cheese/EBT/WIC it makes for a good time.

That's all.

Paul Liner

You Know I Know Better However I Am In Denial

I have to admit I have a terrible mouth.  Foul language is my forte.  I am well versed.  Quick witted and not afraid to use my words.  I make comments like calling a guy who has a wheelchair with Nitrus in it "Hot Wheels."  I actually enjoy the word cunt, cock, and other fingerbangin good words.  My self-righteousness says this is acceptable behavior to flood the sound waves of anyone I come into contact with with my word vomit.  And I don't have to stick my finger down my throat to get it to come out (ooohhh cum).  I am in denial that I am by all means inappropriate in nature.  I may be writing it here however once I hit the Post Blog button it's back to the old butt and grind of being who I am.  It's not like I push children in front of moving vehicles when they are screaming in public or knocking an old lady down to get the last bottle of by one get on free Tylenol.  I just use my words like "Hey kid shut your fucking mouth or YOUR MOM said she's gonna push you in front of a car" or "Hey you old shriveled up cunt better luck next time I am young and you are old...HAAA."  Well maybe I am not that vocal the thoughts are there though.  So if ever you see me in public you better fucking take the words that are coming (again cum) out of my mouth and swallow them...because like all good whores (friends) we accept what's being put out there and feel the warmth in our bellies.

Paul Liner

Diapers, Track Suits, and A Place in Pembroke Pines

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It's Been Awhile

Excuse me for my absence JULIA!!  I have been busy like a hooker selling her vadge on the corner to get her next fix of heroin.  Except I don't do heroin, I am not a prostitute, and I don't have a vadge.  Now out of these three things one is true.  I'll let you decide.  Choose the incorrect answer and Satan has informed me that you will go straight to hell because he like myself do not like idiots.  I will give you a hint I like corners and penis. 

All is well in the world.  I am showing up in my adult panties today.  Taking care of business.  And by business I mean business.  And by taking care of I mean you aren't doing it for me so I have to do it for myself and I love the phrase TCB so that's what Aretha Franklin said I should do and she rules the ocean and it's tides so to prevent my subsequent drowning I must abide by her rules.  There will be more to come I got to take my ass to a place where people like myself gather.

So until then...please don't choke that's gotta be an awful way to go.

Thank You.

Paul Liner